Insecurity: A Race to Perfection

Outdated wardrobe. Disappointing grades. Feelings of inadequacy. Family Issues.  Frustrating right?   Believe me! You’re not the only one who’s waking in the wrong side of the bed faced with these dilemmas.  We’re all in the same boat! I suppose it is just safe for me to assume that I’m not the only one who is confronted with the pressure of meeting the society’s demand. After all, most, if not all of us, are compelled to reach the high bars of standards set by the general public.
            My day started undesirably after waking up one early morning disturbed by the booming voice of a nagging sibling.  I went home late last night and I don’t have to go to class until this afternoon so I intended to spend the whole morning compensating for a series of sleep deprivation. My alarm clock was set and everything that was planned went well until that afflicted voice disrupted everything. I was left with no choice but to deal with the hurly-burly going on.  Instead of going back to sleep after, I decided to spend the rest of my morning unwinding somewhere. I prepared my things, took a bath and started to dress up but Alas! I can’t settle on what to wear and I finally realized that I already tried every aesthetic combination of my apparels- with or without the blazer, belt and all those bling-blings.  It took me a long time to mix-and-match one outfit with the other and I finally decided to go and spend the rest of the morning shopping for a new set of apparel. My weekly allowance just came in so I’ve got enough to spend, and budget what’s left afterwards.  I shopped, bargained and spent ‘til I dropped and came to my senses that the week has just started and yet what’s left of my allowance would barely sustain me throughout the week. Now I’m faced with a new problem- how to make my ends meet.

After pondering on it for a while, I decided to move on and attend my class.  My instructor arrived just in time I reached my seat and our class started. The frustrations I’ve been through earlier today haven’t settled completely yet when the instructor prompted us to submit our homework. Right then and there, I was caught dumbfounded without any idea that something was due that day. I bet everybody in class submitted their homework aside from me. The buzzing and mumbling suddenly halted when the instructor told us to prepare for the quiz. By that, everyone started tearing a sheet of paper and talking about things which seemed unfamiliar. Again I was caught off-guard, unprepared and disoriented.  Without hesitation, I quickly browsed my notes and tried to have a last-minute-study by reading through the lines and racing against the clock.  To no avail, the quiz started, ended and I failed.  It all started with a bad morning and everything followed- like dominos falling one after the other until it reaches the last piece-my ego.

Here I am, staring blankly into someone whose mere disposition is an epitome of an ideal student- with good class standing, social stability and a respectable family.  Out of the blue, a thought knocked and penetrated my wits- “If she can have it, then why can’t I?”  Frustrations then started flooding my thoughts until all that was left was a huge distance towards the likeness of an ideal person.  All my failures and inadequacies which flashed before my eyes swept all my glory and self-worth. Since then, feelings of inferiority clouded my thoughts making me a self-conscious and hesitant person.

Indeed, personal flaws and failures in life can cause a crippling distress. If not intervened, frustrations would result to a low self-esteem. Human as I am, I desire perfection despite the knowledge of it being impossible. Hence, the mere idea of, at least, being close to perfection drives me to strive harder.  And since the society defines the parameters of perfection, I tend to compare myself to others and that’s when insecurities arise. From the looks, to the accessories, to the skills and up to the popularity, there are lots of reasons to be insecure.

 Though, one might misconstrue insecurity as being jealous (which is one of the seven grave sins) but a hair line separates one from the other. Jealousy is simply desiring to be in other person’s shoes or having other person’s property or character as one’s own. While insecurity, on the other hand, is being anxious of not being competent or adequate enough in propriety, skills and character to meet the social quota. As social beings, we desire to be socially accepted and to belong hence we fear to cause disappointment or fail other people’s expectations. True enough, insecurities can make us pretend as somebody who we aren’t just to gain acceptance and protect our ego. We do things which we usually don’t do to avoid appearing like a fuddy-duddy in the public or get down like a lead balloon. We pretend to be rich by living luxuriously and spending more than what we can offer. That’s the bad side of it. While on the other hand, Insecurities can do us good if our inadequacy inspires us to compensate by strengthening our weakness and focusing on our strengths. It can be a good thing if we stop pretending and start acting on our frustrations.

Insecurity, despite its moral issues on personality, is still a yearning for perfection at the end of the day.  For life, per se, is a race to perfection. Unlike a leopard which can’t erase its spots, we can always correct our flaws and change our personality- either we make it or break it. Our call…

           

Edited and published as:

Insecurity: A Race to Perfection

College Confessions

Capitol Chronicle, Vol 23, No. 2

September-October 2011 issue

“One Win”